SATIRE: Here is Why Jubilee Will Win Against NASA Any Day

By Nyakiya Nyakiyaism

Here’s is something I really don’t care about: NASA’s stolen votes! And I’m getting tired of those civic-minded dip-shits whose commentaries continue to impose undesirability on Jubilee’s Uhuru Kenyatta. Some really deluded people even think that Uhuru cannot win the Fresh Presidential Election. Such mindsets are misplaced and uninformed. They talk too much about a subject, they barely understand.

In a word: Stop that shit.

Believe me, Uhuru is the man. And if you please, count with we the reasons why.

First, all the slums in Kenya are collectively a Jubilee stronghold. Slum people like violence. They love the warmth of it. Anyone who can set trained dogs and stray desperadoes on them is their kind of President. And you wrong slum people when you talk of the value and sanctity of human life. They know too well that their miserable lives don’t count. The slum people like it very much when hired murderers in police uniform storm their pathetic dwellings to rape their mothers, sisters, wives and daughters.

READ: Hope For Ababu Namwamba As He Is Assured Of Government Job

Such exquisite romantic scenes, generate irresistible pleasure among these people! They love it even more when their babies are bludgeoned to death and the contents of their tiny skulls used to decorate the walls of their dwellings. The love for the sport of killing human beings is encoded in the DNA of slum people. They know that human life, especially that of a slum dweller, is an expendable nuisance. In short: People from/of the slums will vote Jubilee. This is a government that speaks to their hearts! They can count on a government that can terrorize them anytime as and when it wishes!

Secondly, Luo Nyanza will this time, vote Uhuru. Even the Luo, know too well that Luo lives don’t matter. Any average Luo is anti-establishment and therefore a potential hard-core criminal. Maybe, you do well to kill them! This is not disputed by any honest Luo. I’m told that just recently, dead bodies floating in body-bags were found in Lake Victoria in Kisumu. Of course these dead people were all social misfits. No one loved them.

READ ALSO: ‘Sober Up!’ COTU’s Francis Atwoli Tells President Kenyatta (Video)

In fact they had no families. No one misses them! And if any of them had a family, then that family is very thankful that they were killed! No one loved these people in life, no one does in death. And what could be so pleasing to an average voter in Kisumu, than to vote someone who can kill his hated tribesman? Remember these killings are not peculiar to 2017, they can be traced down the path of history, throughout the Kenyatta, Moi, Uhuru regimes. The Luo people love history, especially when it repeats itself. They will vote Uhuru. Period.

Furthermore, any sensible widow who lost her husband in Somalia will vote Uhuru. Any thankful mother who lost a son in Somalia will vote Uhuru. Any open-minded Kenyan who has lost a relative in Somalia or in similar terrorist attacks here at home, will vote Uhuru. We all know that no one can be as kind as Uhuru. He did send his heartfelt condolences to all the affected families. What a godly humility, which President does that? In memory of their slain relatives, this category of Kenyans will definitely vote Uhuru.

Every Kenyan is by default a hater of corruption. We know how hard Uhuru has fought corruption in this country. The number of ministers and high ranking government officials that he has sent to jail on corruption charges is our reference point. Uhuru did not even spare his relatives and close friends. Uhuru has won our hearts!

MORE: PLO Lumumba’s Home Secured After Threats To Burn It Down Should Court Uphold Uhuru Win

Time wont allow me, but these reasons are more than I can tell you. But you do realize that the whole of Kisii County is now Uhuru’s vote basket. The same with Suba and Kuria. Mombasa has also denounced Joho and Kingi, The Luhyia have a new kingpin -Lusaka who is deputized by Ababu’s wife. The People of Turkana and the Maa community have all joined Jubille. So tell me, how will Raila beat Uhuru?

Do you have a story you want told? Do you know of a sensitive story you would like us to get our hands on? Email your news TIPS to Editor@kahawatungu.com